Mannerly Mondays: Wedding Etiquette for the 19th Century Bride and Groom

The concept of a wedding has not changed much since the 19th century, and it is still a major event in a person's life.  There are some 19th century traditions that we've lost in the 21st century.  For instance, in the 19th century the bride and groom were not to see each other during the engagement without a chaperone.  Also in the 19th century, when the groom was proposing, custom dictated that he should ask the bride's father for permission to marry his daughter. Today, the act of asking the father's permission is not a must, but it is still considered a show of good etiquette.

Most 19th century weddings were held in the morning between 10 and 12 a.m. normally in a church.  Back then the date of the wedding was extremely important, there were months and days not even considered because of superstition. I think the date is still important to the modern bride and groom but more in the way of what season they both like and dates that are significant to the couple.

Now, as for the reception, the 19th century reception is quite different in comparison to modern weddings. For example, since 19th century weddings were held in the morning, the reception food was usually breakfast. At modern day weddings, most weddings are help in late afternoon and usually dinner is served. Another difference was that the bride would cut the cake alone, and she saved a piece that represented fidelity. As I'm sure you know, a modern tradition is that the married couple feeds the first slice to each other, laughing as they get it all over themselves.

Next time you see your fiance unchaperoned or go to a wedding where the couple smears cake over each others face, think of your 19th century counterparts eating breakfast together and keeping moldy cake locked away as a memento. 

Keep up those manners and we'll see you next week.

Mannerly Mondays: Children's Etiquette, 19th century vs. 21st century

Think back to the first manners you were taught as a child. Personally, I remember these: be kind to others, respect your elders, keep your hands to yourself, and do not talk when others (especially adults) are talking.  I will admit, I did not always follow these rules; I loved to talk during class and always had a story to tell my neighbor. So, I was often reprimanded by both teachers and my parents, and thus I was taught what was expected of me as a youngster. 

In the 19th century, children were taught many rules we still practice today. As you can image, there were a couple of etiquette rules that we in the modern age might think strange. Here are a few examples:

• Always greet every family member when entering a room
• Keep yourself clean and tidy at all times 
• Always bid your elders and parents goodnight 
• Remember to wear the appropriate clothing for indoors and outdoors.

I think that it would be exhausting as a child to be expected to be so prim and proper at such a young age. Likewise, it would seem difficult for parents to keep watch over unruly children who might get too dirty or not greet you in the right way. 

Now-a-days parents still expect their children to have manners but go about it in a more casual way. In the 21st century we can expect our children to behave with manners like these:

• Using words such as "thank you" and "excuse me"
• Being friendly to the people your parents introduce you to
• Not raising your voice or screaming at your parents. 
• Being willing to try different foods and using your napkin 
• Using your big girl/boy voice when talking to adults instead of mumbling or whining.

I’m just thankful for childhood memories of making mud pies and dancing around the kitchen in my underwear. Thankfully I had great parents that knew where the balance between being polite and being a kid was.

Mannerly Mondays: Male Etiquette for dating in the 19th Century

In the 19th century dating, the custom was to be very formal when pursuing a young lady.  It was the males’ role to court the female; a lady would never go out of her way to call on a man.  Before the courting could commence, it was important to seek approval from her father first. After approval was granted it was normal for the young man to come over to a young lady’s house and stay for lunch or dinner, play badminton, drink tea, and go on carriage rides. The rules of propriety and good conduct forbade women visiting suitors in their homes, although the rules were not so strict as to prevent her from visiting male relatives unattended. 

A woman with wealth and a high education, however, could get away with being single for an extended amount of time but eventually married another rich man to start a family with.  

One thing I wish we continued in the 21st century was writing letters especially love letters. Writing letters was a crucial step to courting a lady in the 19th century; her love could be kindled with a well-written love letter. Along with love letters, when a man was ready to propose it was done through a letter. This struck me with surprise because in this day and age we always talk about how the man sets up a beautiful evening to pop the question. A letter to me completely dries up any romance of a proposal of marriage. But I guess you can’t have your cake and eat it, so having both love letters and a perfect night for a proposal would be a little too rich.   

So as you go through your dating years remember, a love letter can light the tiniest of flames and might grow into the strongest fire. 

Mannerly Mondays: Girls in the 19th Century

When presenting yourself as a young lady in the 19th century, you must be very aware of your every action and situation. For example, when conversing with mixed company, a polite young lady must never speak loudly or use vulgarities. This is especially true in the company of gentlemen who would be offended by her crudeness and unladylike behavior. Another big no no in conversing in public is there should be no talk of personal family matters outside of ones own home. Conversation should not go into deep matters but should stay light by talking about subjects such as the weather and ones health.

The attire of a young lady in the 19th century was extremely important due to the wealth of her family and her potential to acquire a husband. According to writer Pauline Weston Thomas, girls often wore long, heavy layers of skirts and underclothes, which made their movements very restricted. Despite her limitations, a polite girl would not lift the hem of her dress too far past her ankle, nor would she lift both sides of the skirt at the same time. If the ankle were to show, it would seem that the girl was ill-mannered and indelicate.

Both conversing in public and the attire of a young lady was crucial in gaining status as an ideal wife and talented well breed girl.  This balance of status and public opinion is something that is a rather an important issue for Emma and her friends, but you have to ask "how does it compare to today?"   

For more from Mrs. Mannerly, check out performance dates for Mrs. Mannerly and keep checking the blog every Monday. 

Sources: Social Etiquette for Girls in the 19^th Century

         By Brittany Luongo

Mannerly Monday: 19th Century Dining Edition

During dinnertime in the 19th century, the rules of etiquette were carried out much differently than today. Although both Emma Woodhouse and Emily Post would frown upon impaling ones steak with ones knife and chewing it; at Emma’s dinner table, it was practically a cardinal sin to leave ones gloves on when eating or drinking. That etiquette rule went for both 19th century men and women.

Another rule for men and women was that a married couple would never sit by one another in the 19th century. This idea seems crazy to us in the modern era as couples are always sat next to each other and it would create speculation and intrigue if they weren’t. Another concept to keep in mind was that in the 19th century, men and women had very specific rules for their gender in every category of etiquette. Gentlemen were to be extremely respectful to women in ways such as helping them in and out of chairs, escorting them to the table, and standing when a lady gets up from her seat. In the 21st century, it would be a big deal if my brother were to help me push in my chair. I would probably burst out laughing if my brother offered to escort me to the dinner table. Ladies on the other hand were made to be such dainty figures. This comes into play with even the smallest things such as “A lady never serves herself from a buffet line, but informs her partner of her wishes and he brings her plate to her” (According to The Language of 19th Century Etiquette Book).

 As you go through your week of dining, think of Mrs. Mannerly, whispering in your ear to remember to put your napkin in your lap.